Archive for March, 2016

Pope Cleans Up Dead Angel Who Flew Into Sistine Chapel Window

 

March 30, 2016

 

dead angel

Hurrying outside after hearing a disturbingly loud thud against the side of the church, Pope Francis was reportedly left to clean up the remains of a dead angel Monday that flew straight into one of the Sistine Chapel’s windows. “It’s really sad; it seems like one of these guys crashes into a window at least once a week,” said the pontiff, who appeared visibly distressed while sweeping up the feathers scattered around the angel’s lifeless body. “Most of the time, their necks break and they die instantly, but once in a while they’re still twitching a bit. That’s when I find it’s best to put them out of their misery with a shovel.” At press time, the bishop of Rome was attempting to scrape off an angel splattered on the windshield of the Popemobile.

Glenn Beck Says Real Christians Don’t Support Donald Trump And That Ted Cruz Is ‘The Anointed One’

March 28, 2016

“I never said that real Christians don’t support Donald Trump.” What I said was, “No real Christian says ‘I want that guy’.”  Big difference. Right? Right?

 

Glenn-Beck-AP-5-640x480

Chastened by negative public reaction to his recent comments that “real Christians” don’t support Donald Trump and “all throughout the South the Evangelicals are not listening to their God,” radio talk show host Glenn Beck is walking back his criticism of Christians who support the New York City billionaire and GOP frontrunner.

But now he’s claiming that Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)
97%, whom he has endorsed for President, “was anointed for this time.”

On Friday, less than 24 hours after he proclaimed on his television program that “no real Christian says ‘I want that guy’” Donald Trump, Beck issued an apology in an article posted on his website.

“I’d like to apologize for any of the comments that I’ve made that offended anyone’s religious sensibilities or implied that I thought you weren’t good Christians,” Beck wrote in the article that appears to be an edited version from the transcript of his lengthy monologue on his radio program Friday.

“If that’s what I had said, but that’s not what I said,” he added as a qualifier to his apology.

Beck was eager to blame Breitbart News for his self-inflicted woes.

“That’s what Breitbart and Drudge and the paid-for Donald Trump media wants you to believe I said,” he continued.

Beck, however, did not deny the accuracy of the quotes about “real Christians” and Donald Trump attributed to him by numerous media outlets, including:

 

Easter Makes Perfect Sense

Easter makes such perfect sense…

After the Holy Sky Daddy Jesus® is crucified and dies, he miraculously comes back to life. So naturally Christians celebrate this amazing event by hiding eggs filled with candy in a field and then letting kids search for the eggs. MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

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Americans largely ignored pope’s U.S. visit

“Pope who? Is he related to Madonna?”

While national media scrambled to cover every detail of Pope Francis’s historic visit to the United States in September 2015, most Americans just weren’t that interested.

 

Sad pope is sad

“Oy vey, no one gives a shit about me these days…”

Roughly 57 percent of Americans paid little or no attention to coverage of the papal visit, according to a survey from the Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research. Just one in seven followed the details.

 

During the visit, Francis met with President Barack Obama, addressed Congress and led Mass for thousands.

 

And no one cared. Gone are the days when the country would come to a standstill for the leader of the world’s largest pedophile ring, following his every move and utterance with breathless interest.

 

 

 

“Sorry, pope, America’s just not that into you.”

 

http://www.oregonlive.com/faith/2016/03/most_americans_ignored_popes_u.html

Pope Tries To Stop Rolling Stones From Playing In Cuba. Fails.

Rolling-Stones

March 26, 2016

The Pope has tried to halt the historic Rolling Stones gig in Cuba tonight, the Mirror can reveal.

Mick Jagger declared it “a great historic moment” . And he added: “Time changes everything. We are really pleased to be here.”

The Vatican had asked them not to play on Good Friday, even suggesting they start at midnight to avoid the holy day.

But the rockers vowed not to let down the 500,000 fans expected at the free outdoor gig in the capital Havana.

A tour insider said: “The band’s team were flabbergasted when the Vatican got in touch by letter – couldn’t believe their eyes.

“Much as they didn’t want to upset the Pope, they had a contract to play and were going to honour it.

“They have made a promise to the Cuban people and won’t let them down.”

A second source said the Stones respectfully replied to the Vatican, saying other global music events were being held on Good Friday.

It was all resolved before the gig at the Ciudad Deportivo, the source said.

He added: “They haven’t had any big shows and it would’ve been surprising for this to happen 10 years ago. Time changes everything and we’re really pleased to be here, I’m sure it’s going to be a great show.”

Until 15 years ago Cuba’s communist government banned “subversive” Western rock and pop. But Cubans listened to it in secret, passing records from hand to hand, and the Stones got a strong following there.

Guitarist Keith Richards said: “That’s what happens when you ban things.”

The Stones added the date after completing their Latin American tour last week. They will return to the UK for their Exhibitionism event from April 5 at the Saatchi Gallery in Chelsea, West London.

The Vatican was unavailable for comment.

 

file this under “Who gives a fuck what the pope wants?”.

 

Easter Is About Sex And Fertility, Hence Eggs And Bunnies

easter ishtar

Illinois Priest Arrested On Sex Abuse Charges

March 21m 2016

Alfredo PedrazaAlfredo Pedraza, child molester

A priest in the Rockford Diocese has been charged with two counts of sexually abusing a child.

According to a press release from the Diocese, Father Alfredo Pedraza has been under investigation for two allegations in Kane County reported back in 2014.

Father Pedraza was arrested, Thursday, February 11 in his Rockford home. He came to the Diocese from Columbia, South America in 2013. The Diocese says he has been out of all ministry since the allegations surfaced in October 2014.

During Father Pedraza’s time with the Rockford Diocese, he worked in Hispanic Ministry in the DeKalb Deanery and assisted at Sacred Heart Parish in Aurora and Our Lady of Good Counsel Parish in Aurora.

The Diocese says they are cooperating with authorities throughout the entire investigation process.

 

Being a priest is a great job. You are exempt from taxes, get all kinds of perks from the community and get to fuck children.

Church Leader Jared Anderson has sex parties with boys

Married father and Texas church leader ‘hosted sex parties for teen boys where he made them strip and perform sexual acts’

Accused child molester Jared Anderson

Jared Anderson and his unsuspecting wife.

Police said Anderson hosted a ‘Bros night’ last month with seven teenage boys. At his home a note on the door read: ‘The last one to get naked has to get the first dare‘.

A Texas high school teacher and church leader has confessed to hosting parties where he encouraged up to 12 teenage boys to get naked and performed sexual acts with them, police said.

Jared Anderson, 28, has been charged with sexual assault of a child, sexual performance of a child, possession of child pornography and indecent contact and exposure with a child.

Authorities said Anderson hosted multiple parties at his home over the last several months, the most recent being a ‘Bros night’ on February 12 with seven boys ranging from 15 to 17 years of age.

Anderson, a married father-of-two, then instructed the boys to strip off their clothes and play games while he walked around ‘naked with an erection‘, according to the police report.

The boys were instructed to ‘crawl around naked and touch each other’ and ‘place their genitals on another boy’s face’, authorities said. He also had the teens wrestle each other and hug him while he was naked. Anderson’s mouth also came in ‘contact with a boy’s genitals’, the report reads.

Police said at a different party, Anderson challenged a 17-year-old to see who could be the most ‘obscene’, which involved them sending pictures ‘of their genitals to each other’. Parents of two of the victims reported the incident last week to Anderson’s church and the San Antonio Police Department.

Seven to 10 victims, all between the ages of 15 and 18, have since been identified by police, according to My San Antonio.

Full Story: Church leader Jared Anderson arrested for allegedly hosting sex parties with teen boys.html

jared-anderson-arrested

Texas church leader Jared Anderson ‘hosted sex parties for teen boys where he made them strip and perform sexual acts’

Pastor Wants Girl Scout Leaders To Be Executed For Supporting Gays

March 15, 2016

 

 
Kevin SwansonKevin Swanson, closeted cocksucker

Really, anyone so obsessed with homosexuality has got to be very conflicted about his own sexuality. Kevin, go have sex with a man. You’ll feel better right away, then you can stop saying all this vile and stupid shit.

After he blasted the hit Disney film “Frozen” and the Harry Potter books for being too “pro-gay,” Pastor Kevin Swanson has now set his sights on the Girl Scouts of America.

Swanson, who is a pastor at the Reformation Church of Elizabeth, Colorado, slammed the Girl Scouts for promoting “lesbianism, abortion and contraception for 14-year-old girls” among its participants on Monday’s installment of his weekly radio show, “Generations with Kevin Swanson,” Right Wing Watch first reported.

He then implied that scout leaders should be put to death, specifically by having “a millstone be hanged” around their necks and “drowned at the bottom of the sea,” for their actions toward young girls.

“Jesus means what he says. You’ve got to take what he says, and you have to apply it,” he said. “Don’t train your little girls to be feminists.”

Later in the broadcast, Swanson praised evangelist Franklin Graham, who has publicly vowed not to buy Girl Scout cookies this year because of the scouting organization’s “support of transgender rights and homosexuality.”

“I’m just thankful that, finally, another protestant leader is willing to stand up against this American icon that has been used as a tool of the left for many, many decades,” Swanson said.

As easy as it may seem to just laugh off the pastor’s claims, Swanson has been dominating headlines with his outrageous views since the start of the 2016 U.S. election cycle. In November 2015, he was the chief organizer behind the National Religious Liberties Conference, which was attended by Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz.

It was at the conference that Swanson delivered his tirade against Harry Potter in a convoluted speech, pointing to author J.K. Rowling’s 2007 revelation that she always thought of Dumbledore the wizard as a gay man.

If there were any lingering doubts about where his political allegiances lie, Swanson has also argued that Hillary Clinton will turn children gay if she’s elected.

Lion Bites Christian Prophet On The Ass

March 13, 2016

 

 

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Alec Ndiwane, a Zion Christian Church prophet, was attacked on a safari while trying to show that God would save him in front of fellow church members.
He ‘fell into a trance started speaking in tongues before charging at pride’
Lions chased after him and one of them clamped down on his buttocks
He said: ‘I don’t know what came over me. Were we not given dominion over all creatures of the earth?’

But as Mr Ndiwane sprinted towards them, the lions immediately viewed him as prey and zeroed in.

Realising the Lord wasn’t about to help, Mr Ndiwane fled back to the car, but not before one of the lions clamped down on his buttocks.

He was only saved from further injury or possible death when the game ranger fired shots to scare the lions off, it was reported by GhanaWeb.

He said: ‘I do not know what came over me. I thought the Lord wanted to use me to show his power over animals.

Mr Ndiwane was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery to stitch up his wounds and was later discharged.

The lion who bit the prophet was quoted as saying, “Mmmmmmm, Ass.”

 

 

Return of the Devil

To be blunt, exorcism is making a comeback. Widely mocked and derided, there are still huge numbers of gullible people that believe demons can inhabit a person’s body and cause them to sin or behave in certain ways.

Even in the 21st century in the United States, the most educated country on Earth, people still believe this. The fact that people can completely ignore reality and rationality in favor of the belief in demons is a sad commentary on the persistent brain disorder known as “religion”.

We have walked on the Moon, we replace human hearts on a regular routine basis, and we can dial number and speak to practically any person anywhere on Earth…but some of us still believe in talking snakes and magical demons.

What follows is a short excerpt from an article published on the sfweekly.com site. We highly recommend reading it for a fascinating insight into the minds of believers.


Return of the Devil: Exorcism’s Comeback in the Catholic Church

Every Thursday evening, a few dozen people file into Immaculate Conception Chapel, a small Catholic church on the steep slope of Folsom Street on Bernal Hill’s north face, carrying bottles of water, tubs of protein powder, small bottles of booze, watches, rosaries, and cell phones.

Father Guglielmo Lauriola, exorcist.

Father Guglielmo Lauriola has been performing exorcisms since the 1950s, despite the fact that exorcisms are based completely in fiction.

The people stir a few minutes past 7 p.m. when a tiny man wearing white robes — a long rectangle of cloth with Vegas-worthy golden sparkles hanging around his neck — appears from a door to the left of the altar. A few weeks shy of his 89th birthday, Father Guglielmo Lauriola walks slowly across the raised altar area to a waiting chair.

He reads from laminated card prayers and songs devoted to the Virgin Mary. When this is finished, in about half an hour, the two middle-aged Filipinas who serve as Lauriola’s lectors and attendants, towering over his five-foot-ish frame, help him into different robes.

He gets up, the smell of incense thick in the room, to fling water from a small wand onto the personal items arrayed on the table, granting them all — water, booze, phones — a blessing. The parishioners line up to receive Communion, the small wafers of bread that Catholics believe becomes the physical body of Jesus Christ.

Nobody moves. This is when the show really starts.

Two men step forward approach Lauriola, who has shuffled to the center of the altar area, in the same spot where he offered Communion. They stay on the church’s main floor, two steps below, flanking him on either side. The people line up in the same way they did when receiving Communion, but instead of a piece of consecrated bread, this time they’re waiting their turn to hold Lauriola’s hands for about 20 to 30 seconds as he offers each of them a special prayer. As Lauriola murmurs his blessing, the two men hold their hands up behind the person receiving it, their palms held out and a few inches away from the person’s back, as if preparing for a trust fall at a work retreat.

It’s a necessary move. After Lauriola releases his grip, some of the people stagger away as if stricken, caught by the waiting hands. Some need to be helped to the altar, where they kneel to pray. Every once in awhile, the blessed person will fall to the floor as if they fainted. Sometimes they may remain there for as long as 10 or 15 minutes while the rest of the congregation files around them to receive their own blessings, with their own reactions.

The blessed parishioners, by now back in their pews, rise again, forming a circle around the elf-sized priest as he approaches them. They hold their hands over him, as if receiving his energy. And they pray.

This is not an ordinary Catholic Mass — it’s a healing Mass. The prayers here are for sick people, for deliverance. Some of the prayers are to be rid of evil, of the influence of the devil in their lives — to be free of the hold Satan has on their bodies and souls.

This is exactly the right place for that kind of prayer. This is the house of an exorcist.

Lauriola is one of two Catholic exorcists — priests whose official duty it is to perform the Solemn Rite of Exorcism, the formal casting-out of the devil or a demon from a Catholic’s body and soul — living and working in the Archdiocese of San Francisco, which includes Marin and San Mateo counties as well as the city. (The blessing that Lauriola gave, he explains to me later, is a minor exorcism, one large step below the formal rite.)

In the 21st century, even as Pope Francis embraces progressive ideas like climate change and urges world leaders to do something about income inequality, the rite of exorcism is enjoying a renaissance in the Catholic Church.

“I believe in exorcism,” says Angela Alioto, a former President of the Board of Supervisors and the daughter of Mayor Joe Alioto, who presided over the city in the late 1960s and early 1970s. “I believe people are possessed. I believe what our Lord did in the Gospels. I absolutely believe in that.”

Link to full article: http://www.sfweekly.com/sanfrancisco/return-of-the-devil-exorcisms-comeback-in-the-catholic-church-news-exorcism-catholic-church-archdiocese-of-san-francisco-father-gary-tho/Content?oid=4532164

Oklahoma Missionary Sentenced To 40 Years For Sexual Assaulting Kenyan Orphans

March 9, 2015

 

DurhamMatthew Lane Durham, child rapist

“All I wanted was to follow God’s plan for me,” he said. God’s plan was apparently to have him rape children.

 

A 21-year-old Oklahoma man was sentenced on Monday to 40 years in prison for sexually assaulting orphaned children while on a missionary trip in Kenya in 2014.

Matthew Lane Durham was found guilty on four counts of “engaging in illicit sexual conduct in foreign places” in June, BuzzFeed reports. A federal judge sentenced Durham this week to 40 years in prison, and ruled that he must pay the victims $15,863 in restitution.

“In a span of just 33 days,” prosecutors wrote, per CNN, Durham “raped three girls — ages 5, 9 and 15 — at least eight times. During that same time period, he sexually molested a 12-year-old boy twice.” They added that Durham “not only forcefully sexually abused these children,” but “he psychologically damaged them by taking advantage of their trust he received from the children.”

Durham was a volunteer with the Upendo Children’s Home in Nairobi between April and June 2014, according to the Chicago Tribune.

“Other volunteers must now live under the cloud of suspicion, distrust and apprehension when they volunteer their time, talent and resources for the betterment of children in East Africa and beyond,” prosecutors wrote.

Durham apparently requested to stay at an “overflow bunk” in the school instead of at an off-site location with other volunteers so he would be in a “better position to assist the children,” according to CNN.

In June, Durham — who pleaded not guilty after his arrest in 2014 — denied assaulting any of the children, despite having previously confessed on video, Oklahoma news channel KFOR reported. Durham testified that he thought he was possessed by a demon named Luke who did “horrible things,” and said he struggled with his sexuality.

“All I wanted was to follow God’s plan for me,” he told the courtroom on Monday. “In the end, it is the judgment of God that is central, not the judgment of man. I do not fear God’s judgment of me.”

The Upendo Children’s Center did not immediately return a request for comment.

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