Humor

Jesus Announces Plans To Return Once The Dow Clears 27,000

November 2, 2018

 

 

THE HEAVENS—Urging Christians nationwide to “Buy! Buy! Buy!” on Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced that He will come again to judge the living and the dead once the Dow clears 27,000. “Listen, my children, and I will tell you—when the NYSE closing bell rings out and the Dow Jones Industrial Average soars above 27,000 points, I will return to strike down the wicked and reign over the righteous forevermore,” said Our Lord and Savior, adding that only increased consumer confidence and low interest rates could hasten His glorious Second Coming. “Rejoice, stockholders, for the kingdom of God is at hand, assuming this upward trend continues. Repent and believe in the gospel of the bull market.” At press time, the Prince of Peace and Everlasting Counselor was scrambling to sell after the Dow had plunged 500 points.

 

Thanks to theonion.com for this article.

Catholic Church Releases New Molestation-Proof Altar Boy Uniform

September 26. 2018

 

 

VATICAN CITY—Claiming the vestments represent a vital step in ameliorating the church’s centuries-long history of addressing sexual abuse with subsequent cover-ups, the Catholic Church introduced a line of wrought iron molestation-proof altar boy uniforms Monday. “With these new impenetrable steel robes, Catholic altar boys can now serve the Lord and assist with Mass without the shame or fear of tempting otherwise pious clergymen,” a joint statement by senior Vatican officials read in part, explaining that the full-coverage metal loin-girdings are available to fit all sizes and ranges of youth’s suppleness and are guaranteed to spurn the fingers of any priest who attempts to violate its boundaries.

“The ceremonial six-inch-thick wrought iron vestments also boast a built-in alarm system; if the wearer is touched anywhere below the navel, a loud recording warns the offender to stay back in both the local dialect and High Latin. It is greatly hoped that with the implementation of these suits, we can finally spread the word of God in peace without the constant inconvenience and expense of shuffling priests from parish to parish after they’ve succumbed to the not-inconsiderable temptations of the younger members of our church.”

Vatican officials clarified that neither they nor the manufacturer were responsible for any priests who somehow figure out a way to get inside the suit with an altar boy.

 

Thanks to theonion.com for this story.

Vatican On Sex Abuse Report: ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’

August 18, 2018

 

 

VATICAN CITY—Following a Pennsylvania grand jury’s report on widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and a cover-up that spanned decades, the Vatican released a statement Friday saying “listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest.” “Look, we ask an awful lot of ordained priests and make them follow all these bizarre rules, so it shouldn’t be surprising that we have trouble finding people who aren’t degenerate creeps,” said Pope Francis, adding that although the Vatican would encourage members of the clergy to stop engaging in child abuse, there ultimately wasn’t that much they could do since the Church’s mandate of celibacy and its tacit acceptance of child abusers “basically turns away all well-adjusted, reasonablepeople at the door.

” “It’s only gotten worse over the years because regular people would much rather have actual experiences in the real world than be cooped up in a rectory insisting that they’re married to God or whatever. We’d bet that if we relaxed the rules, reformed the power dynamics, and allowed priests to marry and have sex, we wouldn’t be overrun by monsters who can’t function in normal society, but we’re not going to do that, so it’s just going to be a bunch of freaks and deviants from here on out. Honestly, the way the Church currently operates is pretty much designed to appeal only to sick fucks who know they’ll get away with moral atrocities, if you think about it.” Vatican officials also defended priests who have been accused of child abuse over the past several decades, saying that at this point, given all of the available information, only an incredibly negligent parent would allow a child to be associated with the Catholic Church in any way.

Thanks to theonion for this realistic assessment of the state of the priesthood.

Biblical Scholars Find Evidence Church Covered Up For 3 Wise Men Who Molested Baby Jesus

August 16, 2018

 

 

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding further light on a long history of attempts to protect itself from accusations of criminal activity, biblical scholars at Harvard Divinity School reported Wednesday they have found evidence that the early Catholic church covered up for three wise men who molested baby Jesus. “After deciphering fragments of a previously unknown gospel, we now have textual documentation that clearly delineates abuse by three magi who arrived in Bethlehem and inappropriately touched the newborn Christ Child as He lay in the manger,” said Professor Raymond White, recounting the extensive efforts made by the church to scrub the story from early versions of the Bible and to discredit Jesus’ account of the event in His later sermons. “As described in newly discovered scraps of papyrus dating back nearly 2,000 years, these three magi were powerful men of great influence. Whatever moments of weakness or temptation they may have exhibited on that first Christmas morning, the early church must have seen fit to protect their reputations against any accusation from the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, who were, after all, very poor.” White went on to note that additional passages from the text explain how the three wise men were quietly relocated and allowed to continue their work in a remote village in Persia.

Pope Francis Admits ‘Like 97%’ Of Past Church Leadership ‘Probably Burning In Hell’

August 4, 2018

 

Image result for bishops in hell

 

VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis admitted in an informal public statement Thursday that “like, 97 percent” of Catholic leadership are “probably burning in hell right now.” “Believe me, contemporary Catholics are quite familiar with our legacy of murder, rape, cultural exploitation, and thievery on every scale from splitting up South America for silver rights down to just stealing stuff—make no mistake, most of those holy men were simply terrible people who deserve to fry in their own considerable fat for eternity,” said His Holiness, who took time during an informal lunch meeting with interfaith leaders to deliver a capsule history of manifold crimes committed by Vatican higher-ups, complete with a running commentary on the church’s long tradition of manipulating and mistreating its devotees. “Keep in mind this was just the stuff they did to other Catholics—at least, they were Catholic when those vicious scoundrels were done with them. Well, they’re paying for it in searing pain and screams now. Oh, and if someone wouldn’t convert, or couldn’t be converted by force? That’s when we get into Crusades, the Inquisitions, Spanish and others, the name of Christ invoked in the slaughter of native peoples, which is why their eyes will forever boil from out of their roasting skulls. I mean, it was Hitler who forced Jews to wear the yellow star, but centuries before that, Popes enforced dress codes for non-Christians. There’s no way those bastards aren’t being flayed alive by demons in hell right now.” Pope Francis, observing a recent tradition, declined to comment on the church’s multiple ongoing child-abuse scandals.

 

Thanks fo theonion.com for this piece

Dutch political party to hold Prophet Mohammad cartoon competition

June 13. 2018

 

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) – The Freedom Party of Dutch anti-Islam politician Geert Wilders will hold a competition of cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad, it said on Tuesday.

The party said the plan to hold the competition in the party’s secure offices in Dutch Parliament had been approved by the Dutch Counter-terrorism Agency NCTV.

Cartoons depicting Mohammad have provoked violent responses in the past.

Image result for mohammed cartoonHere is our submission featuring Mohammed and his 9 year old wife, Aisha.

In 2015, Islamist gunmen killed 12 people at the Paris offices of the French secularist satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo, which had printed cartoons of the Prophet. In 2005, the publication in a Danish newspaper of a dozen cartoons depicting the Prophet led to violent protests across the Muslim world.

Wilders’ Freedom Party is the leading opposition party in parliament after coming in second place in elections last March. He has called for the Koran to be banned, and says Islam is a totalitarian faith.

“Freedom of speech is threatened, especially for Islam critics,” Wilders said in a statement. “We should never accept that. Freedom of speech is our most important freedom.”

American cartoonist Bosch Fawstin, winner of a similar contest in Garland, Texas, in May 2015, has been asked to judge the Dutch contest, which will be held later this year.

Freudian Slip? When Is A Church A Toilet?

April 28, 2018

 

Tourism Fiji thought they were writing ‘church’ on a video ad but wrote ‘toilet’

 

 

Fiji’s tourism board has been forced to apologise for an embarrassing error on an advertisement.

In a cringeworthy gaffe, officials had to remove the ad after a mistake in translation saw them call a ‘church’ a ‘toilet’.

The ad featured a Fijian dressed in a vibrant blue shirt, shell necklaces and red flower tucked behind his ear with a large smile on his face.

Above the welcoming image were the words ‘Vale ni Lotu’, which they thought translated to ‘church’ but instead translated to ‘toilet’.

The video was used to portray the local iTaukei language to their visitors, giving them helpful tips to use while in Fiji.

After the pear-shaped translation mistake was noticed, Tourism Fiji issued an apology and claimed it was cause by a design error.

Christ Sues Catholic Church For Unlicensed Use Of His Image

March 25. 2017

 

 

VATICAN CITY—Claiming the religion was infringing upon His personality rights, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, sued the Catholic Church Friday for alleged unlicensed use of His image. “Today, I have filed a lawsuit against the Roman Catholic Church for its unlawful appropriation of my likeness in their branding and promotional material,” said Christ, who in the case of King of Kings and Lord of Lords v. Vatican will argue that He hasn’t seen a cent since the Church started profiting off His image approximately 2,000 years ago. “I never signed off on, nor do I endorse, the sentiments behind any of these candles, plates, statues, paintings—none of it. I don’t want to have my brand devalued by a bunch of people just trying to turn a quick buck by slapping a reproduction of my wounded body on a cross.” At press time, sources confirmed the Church was attempting to reduce its legal exposure by altering its depictions of Jesus so they would instead feature short hair and a neatly trimmed mustache.

 

Our thanks to theonion.om for this important piece.

Cardinal Law Canonized Following Miracle Of Escaping Criminal Prosecution

December 19. 2017

 

 

 

VATICAN CITY—Telling reporters that the former Boston archbishop had met the requirements for sainthood, the Roman Catholic Church announced Wednesday that Cardinal Bernard Law would be posthumously canonized following the miracle of escaping criminal prosecution.

“After a thorough investigation by the Congregation for Cause of Saints, we have determined that the Cardinal’s evasion of culpability was so extraordinary as to represent an intercession of God’s will into earthly affairs,” said Vatican spokesman Greg Burke, noting that Law had demonstrated the required heroic virtues of faith and charity through decades of effort working to save pedophile priests’ careers and reputations.

“The Blessed led a life of such obvious merit that Pope Francis has opted to waive the traditional five-year waiting period, and will immediately inscribe his name in the Canon of Saints.” Burke went on to say that the requirement for a second miracle had been met by Law’s inexplicable and uncontested ascension through the upper echelons of the Catholic Church.

 

Thanks to theonion.com for this article.

 

When they said he was going to be canonized we thought and hoped that it meant… well, never mind.

Texas Millionaire Plans To Build Ten Commandments Monolith In Shopping Mall

November 17, 2017

 

John Bushman as a young man in the 19th Century

 

Texas millionaire John Bushman announced plans to install a 800-pound, eight-foot tall Ten Commandments stone tablet inside his mall on the first floor of the shopping center.

He will then proceed to beat people over the head with it until they convert to Christianity.

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