July 23, 2018
The Turin Shroud is a fake. Surprise, surprise, surprise!
That is the verdict of Catholic Bishop Pierre d’Arcis who has written to tell the Pope it was “a clever sleight of hand” by someone “falsely declaring this was the actual shroud in which Jesus was enfolded in the tomb to attract the multitude so that money might cunningly be wrung from them”.
Admittedly, since Bishop d’Arcis was writing in 1390, to Pope Clement VII rather than Pope Francis, this is not exactly new news.
But since some have refused to believe the bishop’s findings, or the 1988 carbon dating showing the shroud was from the medieval, not the Biblical era, or the subsequent debunking of claims disputing the carbon dating, scientists today are still studying the Turin Shroud.
And they are still concluding it is fake.
Some believe the Turin Shroud shows the face of Jesus – claims it is a forgery date back to at least 1390 (Shutterstock / I. Pilon)
In the latest, but almost certainly not final instalment, they have used modern forensic techniques to show that apparent blood spatters on the shroud could only have been produced by someone moving to adopt different poses – rather than lying still, in the manner of a dead and yet to be resurrected Messiah.
Forensic scientist Dr Matteo Borrini of Liverpool John Moores University and Luigi Garlaschelli of the University of Pavia used a living volunteer and real and synthetic blood to try to simulate possible ways that the apparent bloodstains could have got onto the shroud.
They concluded that two short rivulets of possible blood on the left hand of the shroud’s ghostly figure could only have been formed by someone who was upright with their arms at an angle of about 45 degrees.
This could be consistent with someone who had been crucified with their arms held in a Y shape. Unfortunately for shroud believers, however, the forearm blood stains would require the dead body to have been wrapped in the shroud with their arms in a different position – held almost vertically above their head, rather than at an angle of 45 degrees.
The researchers, whose findings have been published in the Journal of Forensic Sciences, formed the opinion that the supposed blood spatters seem to have fallen vertically and almost randomly from someone who might well have been standing over the cloth, rather than lying in it.
When it came to the supposed lance wound, their article A BPA [Blood Pattern Analysis] Approach to the Shroud of Turin concluded: “The BPA of blood visible on the frontal side of the chest (the lance wound) shows that the shroud represents the bleeding in a realistic manner for a standing position while the stains at the back—of a supposed post-mortem bleeding from the same wound for a supine corpse—are totally unrealistic.”
July 23, 2018
Pastor Attempting To Walk On Water Like Jesus Is Eaten By Crocodiles In, I Kid You Not, ‘Crocodile River’
September 5, 2017
Three very disrespectful, but no longer hungry, crocodiles.
Jonathan Mthethwa was killed by three crocodiles as he carried out a religious demonstration in Zimbabwe.
Shocked witnesses said the clergyman had “prayed the whole week” before the stunt went tragically wrong.
He had also fasted in the lead-up to the attempted miracle, which was inspired by a Biblical tale of Jesus walking on water during a storm.
Horrified members of the Saint of the Last Days Church said the pastor was completely devoured in a “couple of minutes”.
He promised he would demonstrate his faith to us today, but he unfortunately ended up drowning and getting eaten.
He had waded around 30 metres into what was known locally as ‘Crocodile River’. At this point he had promised his congregation he would rise up above the water. Ah, Zimbabwe, the Mississippi of Africa.
Instead he was brutally attacked by a group of crocodiles who had been hidden in the deep water.
Deacon Nkosi said: “The pastor taught us about faith on Sunday last week.
“He promised he would demonstrate his faith to us today, but he unfortunately ended up drowning and getting eaten by three large crocodiles in front of us.
“We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week.”
No one can understand what could have gone wrong. The pastor waded into the ‘Crocodile River’ and got eaten by, of all things, crocodiles. Go figure. No one could have seen that coming. Right?
October 29, 2015
Jesus spotted in a brain scan, but the patient’s doctor doesn’t see it.
A scan of a stroke victim’s brain following emergency surgery reveals what her husband claims is a sign of divine intervention. A “figure” in the MRI looked to them both like an apparition of Jesus Christ.
When Tamaha MacDonald and his wife Jennifer Lougee Mingramm returned home from the hospital after Lougee Mingramm suffered a stroke, they started looking through a pile of X-rays taken during her treatment. The pair, who live in Mexico City, spotted an unusual image in an X-ray of Lougee Mingramm’s brain.
“We were both convinced we could see a face,” MacDonald said.
Although their doctor did not spot the resemblance, MacDonald, Lougee Mingramm and her family were convinced that an image at the centre of the scan depicted Jesus Christ.
After careful examination and a few hits on the ol’ bong, we at FuckThePope.com have concluded that the image is probably that of Artimus Pyle from the rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd.
October 26, 2015
A rash of Jesus sightings have appeared recently in mudslides and coffee cups, on marmalite lids, tacos, treestumps and burned frying pans.
Our favorite sighting was this one from the UK –
Sarah Crane, from Orpington, was stunned when she hung her laundry out to dry and discovered the face of Jesus staring back at her from a crumpled sock. The 44-year-old said the image immediately renewed her faith in God.
Miss Crane was so impressed by the clarity of the face she even built a shrine to the holy image.
‘I called my boyfriend over straight away – we could both clearly see the face of Jesus in the sock. There is a straight-on face, and a side profile too – we couldn’t believe it.’
Oddly enough, neither could we,
If you are a theist of any persuasion, ask yourself if your own beliefs are somehow less ridiculous than this.
Claims The More You Pay The More You Pass
Sure, cheating is a Christian value, right?
October 21, 2015
Harare, Zimbabwe – A Local prophet is raising more questions than answers after selling ballpoints to congregants during his church service on Sunday, claiming that they are anointed.
Prophet Sham Hungwe of House of Grace International Church, who operates at Machipisa Shopping Centre, distributed hundreds of pens to people who are about to sit for exams.
The pens which cost at least 15 cents were being sold for different amounts ranging between US$1 and US$20 depending on what you can afford.
Prophet Sham said those who are sitting for their exams only needed faith and the anointed pen to pass. “It is anointed and I declare passes when your children sit for exams; when you sit for your exams ,” he said.
With the ‘O’ Level and ‘A’ Level examinations around the corner, the pens sold like hot cakes and congregants were seen scrambling to the pulpit to get them.
“They (pens) are said to work for anyone who is sitting for any test. My son is not very bright and I think this will help him. With the knowledge he has acquired and this pen from the man of God, I think it is going to work.”
One female congregants parted ways with more than US$10 for a pen as they were told the more they give, the more their faith and the more their children will pass.
One of the congregants testified that he scored 14 points at ‘A’ Level last year after using the pen he was given by Prophet Sham.
Prophet Sham went on to perform a number of miracles before thousands of worshippers who attended the service. A number of people gave testimonies of deliverance after getting prayers and anointing water from the man of God.
Wow, how does he do it???
February 15, 2015
Today in Starkville, Alabama an image of the Virgin Mary appeared on a potatp chip, much to the amazement of Harlene Klepner, single mother of four. “I almost bit into it but when I realized that I was looking at a genuine miracle I put it on the table and fell to my knees in prayer. I think it’s a sign that my husband will return. He went out for a newspaper eleven months ago and hasn’t come back. Now that I have the Mother of God on my side I’m sure things will work out. Just in time because I’m pregnant again.”
Ms. Klepner said that she will put the potato chip for sale on Ebay. “I think I could get as much as fifty dollars for it. Who wouldn’t want to own an image of the Virgin Mary? I sure would.”
On the very same day in Price, Utah the image of a potato chip appeared on a statue of the Virgin Mary in the local, but poorly attended, Catholic Church. Father Patrick Kelly, pastor of Our Lady of Perpetual Misery Church said,”I certainly never expected a miracle of this magnitude to occur in our modest parish. It’s mostly Mormons around here, so I sort of expected that if there were any miracles they would happen in their church or temple or whatever the hell those heathens call it. Route 191 to Price will soon be jammed with the cars of the faithful as they come to see the ‘Ruffles Virgin’. You’ll see,” said Father Kelly with a manic gleam in his eye.
Was it a coincidence that these two miracles occurred on the same day? We think not.